Riding the Soul Drain....

I am thankful for my day job right now even though it takes every bit of strength I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning knowing where I'm going to be for the next 8 hours.

I realize that there are so many out there who have lost their jobs and are struggling harder than I to pay the bills. But I am struggling.

I work 8 hours a day in an insurance office. I am the office manager. I am the admin. I am the monkey. The gopher. The peon. I am respected though---well, to an extent. They know I know what I'm doing and I try my best to get things done for them. And most of them appreciate it.

But the pay sucks. Seriously. Especially with the recent increase in minimum wage and the fact that I was supposed to receive a raise in August and didn't because the boss couldn't afford it.

They've thrown out little teasers about this region and that region merging and us getting a bigger office in which case, I would finally get the title "Office Manager" (despite the fact that I already am) and most assuredly a raise.

I don't hold my breath. This particular company has a penchant for demoting people left and right. The end of every quarter brings agents and managers exchanging offices and duties. People filter in and out like there's a revolving door out front.

In fact, this time last year I was running the office completely by myself, my previous boss only came to the office to pack more belongings or sell the furniture out from under me. She actually sold my computer!!! I had to bring my personal laptop just to work on. She was in the process of selling my desk and chair as well when my current boss came in and took over for her.

I deal with a fair amount of idiots on a daily basis. And I'm not even talking about the policyholders. I'm starting with the agents. I have agents who have been around a lot less time than me, standing over my desk preaching---literally---to me as though I'm an idiot. Preaching about lots of things that overweight, undersexed, overly-opinionated and therefore lonely, middle-aged, closet drinking men in the bible belt love to talk about. Enthralling topics like "Absolute Truth" and things they heard about on Fox News. They make snide remarks about my ignorance in voting for Obama and deciding to choose a path other than christianity. They ask questions like, "So are you going to allow us another day of sunshine tomorrow?" As though my spiritual beliefs include an inate ability to control the weather.

***This is where my caffeine and sugar dependency come into play because I'll be needing that sudden boost of energy in the afternoon to dig the gnawed off nubs I call fingernails into my seat to keep from hopping over the desk and giving him something to pray about...

I've threatened to fling shit in the office before. Do NOT give me a reason to...

So here I am, unhappy and underpaid. Stressed doesn't quite cover it, but I'm still hanging on somehow. I am actively looking for a job and attempting to put my college education to good use on the side.

My passion is photography. This is my side job. I shoot weddings, portraits, special events, etc. Sometimes I even shoot charity events, which is fun because it's a great way to network. Because of my last charity event I may get the opportunity to travel to the Phillippines to document an orphanage established to help children who have been prostituted, sold into slavery and/or are living in landfills. I'm very excited about the possibility! These children have been prostituted, abused, sold, starved, and abandoned and I will be thrilled to be the one to help bring recognition to the seriousness of the issue as well as the people working tirelessly to help them. It makes my heart swell and beat harder. It makes me smile.

I'm also currently working on putting together a compilation book of my work. I'm very excited about this too! I will hopefully have enough material by the middle of next year. The Phillippines trip is set for July so if that happens, I may just have to do a book about that alone. I'm going to be fighting as hard as I can to raise the money to go. I don't know how I will do it. I don't even have enough now to pay my credit card and my medical bills.

To some people, this may sound irresponsible. Who tries to go halfway across the world to take pictures when they can't afford to support themselves? Because life is more than money. Life is about helping our fellow human beings. Those who can't help themselves. Those who have been left to fend for themselves without the ability to do so. Those who have been used and abused by the lowest of the low and will never recover without some help.

In a way, I was one of those children. My mother didn't want to have much to do with me once I could walk. My little sister is 22 months younger than me and I remember us begging mom to get out of bed to feed us in the morning. It would be noon and we still hadn't eaten. My aunt once told me we sat in soaked and heavy diapers for at least 2 hours while my mom lay in bed sleeping. She said she found me stretching on my tiptoes, trying to reach a spoonful of peanut butter on the countertop above me. My little sister also has William's Syndrome which is a chromosomal defect that causes an idiot savant type of retardation.

My parents were there for us financially but when it came to protecting or supporting us emotionally, they were non-existent. Over the years, they have made some horrible parenting decisions and have let alot of people near their children that shouldn't have been allowed to be in public.

At one point, my dad allowed an ex-boyfriend of mine to continue working for him and coming into our house after I explained that he had been beating me and raping me every day for months. In fact, my father said nothing at all. He even allowed it to continue. I wish I could explain his reasoning there. I guess crackheads are hard workers---and good hard workers are hard to find....

This is why I feel so strongly about my potential trip to the orphanage. It's to help these children that have NO ONE to help them except these people. These wonderful people who leave their families and fly so far around the world---several times a year, just for them! These people want nothing in return for their hard work. The reward comes from knowing that the children can sleep at night without worry of who will hurt them or where they will find their next meal. It comes from the knowledge that for at least one more day---they're safe. It's a great thing.

I am desperately trying to find my niche in this world. To blaze my trail and leave my mark. I want to do something great. Something bigger than me. Something worthwile. I'm a believer in karma. I believe that everything comes back to you threefold. If you live a virtuous life, being considerate, repectful, and compassionate to those around you---good things will come your way.

(photo courtesy of www.boes.org)